


DBZ Does the Classics

by GokuGirl



Category: Dragon Ball, Ranma 1/2
Genre: Alternate Universe, Crossover, Gen, Humor, Out of Character, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2002-11-09
Updated: 2003-06-15
Packaged: 2018-04-10 19:10:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,700
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4403858
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GokuGirl/pseuds/GokuGirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Classic literature redone with DBZ characters.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Vegeta and the Raven

**Author's Note:**

> All the text in bold (and between tildes) are my little author's comments. You can skip them at your leisure.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The italicized text (and the stuff between double asterisks) is the lines of the poem.

_**Once upon a midnight dreary, while he pondered, weak and weary,  
Over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore --**_

Vegeta held a huge book in his hands as he sat in an armchair. Every so often he would flip a page, rub his eyes, and yawn.

_**While he nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,  
As of someone gently rapping, rapping at his chamber door.**_

His head fell slightly and he jerked completely away. As it did it again, this loud noise rang in through the room.

BANG! BANG! BANG!

"What the hell?!" He dropped the thick book onto the floor in startlement.

_**" 'Tis some visitor," he muttered, "tapping at my chamber door --  
Only this and nothing more."**_

_**Ah, distinctly he remembered it was in the bleak December;_  
And each separate dying ember wrought its ghost upon the floor.  
Eagerly he wished the morrow -- vainly he had sought to borrow  
From his books of surcease sorrow -- sorrow for the lost Lenore --**

"Wait a minute," he said suddenly. "Who's Lenore? I never knew a Lenore!"

~~ **There's a Lenore, so shut up!** ~~

"Fine, fine. There's a Lenore person that I've never heard of. Calm down already!"

_**For the rare and radiant maiden whom the angels named Lenore --  
Nameless here forevermore.**_

"Bulma was never 'rare' or 'radiant'," he snorted. "By the way, WHO'S LENORE?!"

_**And the silken, sad, uncertain rustling of each purple curtain**_

"Purple curtains? Who has *purple* curtains?!" he asked incredulously. Then he blinked and lowered his voice. "Are they royal purple?"

~~ **Hai, they're royal purple. Are you happy now?** ~~

He nodded with a grin while rubbing his hand along his 'royal purple' curtain. "I sure am!"

_**Thrilled him -- filled him with fantastic terrors never felt before:  
So that now , to still the beating of my heart, I stood repeating**_

His eyes widened and he looked around in fear. "Why am I scared? There's nothing to be scared of!" A shadow moved and he screamed, high-pitched like a little girl. "Kami save me!"

 _**" 'Tis some visitor, entreating entrance at my chamber door --_  
Some late visitor entreating entrance at my chamber door --  
That it is and nothing more."**

"Yep, that's what it is. Just some stupid ass person bothering me late at night. Not the boogie man or Jason or an undead Furiza."

 _**Presently his soul grew stronger : hesitating then no longer,_  
"Sir, " he said, "or Madam, truly your forgiveness I implore:  
But the fact is I was napping, and so gently you came rapping,**

"Who's putting these words into my mouth? That knock wasn't gentle. It was like the police had come to raid me. Probably woke half the neighborhood!"

 _**And so faintly you came tapping, tapping at my chamber door,_  
That I scarce was sure I heard you" -- here he opened wide the door --  
Darkness there and nothing more.**

He squeaked and backed away slightly. "There's no one outside, but someone was pounding on my door! Who's there?!"

_**Deep into the darkness peering, long he stood there wondering, fearing.  
Doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before.**_

"Who's there?" Silence. "Are you invisible?" Silence. "Am I going crazy?!" Again, silence. As if someone was going to talk back. "Someone please answer me!"

 _**But the silence was unbroken, and the stillness gave no token,_  
And the only word there spoken was the whispered word, "Lenore?"  
This he whispered, and an echo murmured back the word "Lenore!" --  
Merely this and nothing more.**

"It *is* Lenore!" He sighed in relief. "Finally, I get to meet her!"

_**Back into the chamber turning, all his soul within him burning,  
Soon again he heard a tapping somewhat louder than before.**_

"How can anything be louder than before? Is Lenore *kicking* the door now?"

 _**"Surely," he said, "surely that is something at my window lattice;_  
Let me see, then, what thereat is, and this mystery explore --  
Let my heart be still a moment and this mystery explore --  
'Tis the wind and nothing more!"**

He frowned at his words. "How could this be the wind? It sounds like someone's trying to knock the damn house down! I can't even understand half of what I'm saying."

~~ **It's Poe. Like Shakespeare, you're not supposed to understand.** ~~

"Then why use it?" he asked in confusion.

~~ **Because the poem's interesting.** ~~

"Oh."

_**Open here he flung the shutter, when, with many a flirt and flutter,  
In there stepped a stately Raven of the saintly days of yore;**_

Here comes a bird that has Goku's head and a raven's body and beak. He's actually pretty scary to look at. Vegeta blinked and then blinked again, rubbing his eyes in-between.

"I'm tired. Yeah, that's it. My eyes are playing tricks on me."

_**_ _Not the least obeisance made he,: not a minute stopped or stayed he;_  
But, with mien of lord or lady, perched above his chamber door --  
Perched upon a bust of Pallas just above his chamber door --  
Perched, and sat, and nothing more. _**_

He fluttered up to the bust of Pallas and instantly began to caw. "Hi Vegeta! How ya doin'?"

~~ **Perched, and sat, and NOTHING MORE!** ~~

"Gomen nasai!" He closed his beak with a faint snap.

_**Then this ebony bird beguiling his sad fancy into smiling,**_

Vegeta's mouth turned up faintly at the corners but it was so stiff it was like he was afraid his face was going to crack.

 _**By the grave and stern decorum of the countenance it wore,_  
"Though thy crest be shorn and shaven, thou," he said, "art sure no craven,  
Ghastly grim and ancient Raven wandering from the Nightly shore --  
Tell me what thy lordly name is on the Night's Plutonian shore!"  
Quoth the Raven,**

"Nevermore!" Goku the Raven cawed.

 _**Much he marveled this ungainly fowl to hear discourse so plainly,_  
Though its answer little meaning -- little relevancy bore;  
For we cannot help agreeing that no living human being  
Ever yet was blessed with seeing bird above his chamber door --  
Bird or beast upon the sculptured bust above his chamber door,  
With such name as "Nevermore."**

"Wait a minute," Vegeta said. "His name isn't Nevermore, it's Kakarotto."

"Son Goku!"

He glared at him. "You were born with Kakarotto so I will continue to call you Kakarotto."

~~ **Guys, please! Let me continue the poem, and *then* you can argue over Goku's name.** ~~

Goku chortled happily at being called 'Goku'.

 _**But the Raven sitting lonely on the placid bust , spoke only_  
That one word, as if his soul in that one word did outpour.  
Nothing further then he uttered, not a feather then he fluttered --  
Till he scarcely more than muttered, "Other friends have flown before --  
On the morrow he will leave me, as my Hopes have flown before."  
Then the bird said,**

"Nevermore! Nevermore!"

~~ **Goku, you only say *one* nevermore. Not two, not a dozen. ONE!** ~~

"But they're so much fun to say!" he pouted. "It's the only line I have. Vegeta has *tons* of words."

"Words I can't even understand," he muttered.

 _**Startled at the stillness broken by reply so aptly spoken,_  
"Doubtless," he said, "what it utters is its only stock and store  
Caught from some unhappy master whom unmerciful Disaster  
Followed fast and followed faster till his songs one burden bore --  
Till the dirges of his Hope that melancholy burden bore  
Of 'Never -- nevermore'."**

_**But the Raven still beguiling all his fancy into smiling,**_

"Didn't you just go over that part before?" Vegeta asked. "I already had to smile once! Do I have to do it again?"

~~ **Yep, Veggie-chan. You have to do it again.** ~~

"Don't call me that!"

 _**Straight he wheeled a cushioned seat in front of bird and bust and door,_  
Then upon the velvet sinking, he betook himself to linking  
Fancy unto fancy, thinking what this ominous bird of yore --  
What this grim, ungainly, ghastly, gaunt, and ominous bird of yore  
Meant in croaking, "Nevermore."**

_**This he sat engaged in guessing, but no syllable expressing  
To the fowl, whose fiery eyes now burned into his bosom's core;**_

"Hold on! I'm not an onna!" He glared all around from his cushioned seat below in front of Goku the staring Raven, the bust of Pallas, and his chamber door. "I don't have a bosom!"

~~ **Vegeta, bakayaro, that just means your chest.** ~~

"Hey! Don't make me hunt you down and kill you!"

~~ **I'm the author. I control you!** ~~

Fear flashed across his face for a second before he snorted to cover it up. "Whatever."

_**This and more he sat divining, with his head at ease reclining  
On the cushion's velvet lining that the lamp-light gloated o'er**_

Vegeta settled into the cushion with a happy sigh.

_**But whose velvet-violet lining with that the lamp-light gloating o'er,  
She shall press, ah, nevermore!**_

_**Then, he thought, the air grew denser, perfumed from an unseen censer_  
Swung by Seraphim whose foot-falls tinkled on the tufted floor.  
"Wretch," he cried, "thy God hath lent me -- by these angels he hath sent thee  
Respite -- respite and nepenthe from thy memories of Lenore;  
Quaff, oh quaff this kind of nepenthe and forget this lost Lenore!"  
Quoth the Raven,**

"Nevermore!"

Vegeta, frowning as usual, pulled the Ye Olde Book of Archaic English out of nowhere and began to thumb through it. "Hold on a sec. I have to look what I just said up."

Fifteen minutes later....

"Oh!" He said in realization. "The angels supposedly gave me relief from bad memories about this Lenore I have yet to meet. Okay..."

 _**"Prophet!" he said, "thing of evil! -- prophet still, if bird or devil! --_  
Whether Tempter send, or whether tempest tossed thee here ashore,  
Desolate yet all undaunted, on this desert land enchanted --  
On this home by Horror haunted -- tell me truly, I implore --  
Is there -- is there balm in Gilead? -- tell me -- tell me, I implore!  
Quoth the Raven,**

"Nevermore!" By this time Goku's little eyelids were drooping tiredly. "This poem is making me sleepy."

~~ **Hang on Goku! There's only three more stanzas.** ~~

He cocked his head to the side. "What's a stanza?"

~~ **Nevermind.** ~~

_**"Prophet!" he said, "thing of evil! -- prophet still, if bird or devil!**_

"Here we go again with the repetition," Vegeta grumbled. "This guy must have been nuts."

 _**By that Heaven that bends above us -- by that God we both adore --_  
Tell this soul with sorrow laden if, within the distant Aidenn,  
It shall clasp a sainted maiden whom the angels named Lenore --  
Clasp a rare and radiant maiden whom the angels name Lenore."**  
Quoth the Raven,

"Never *yawn* more."

_**"Be that word our sign of parting, bird or fiend!" he shrieked, upstarting --**_

"The Saiya-jin no Ouji DOES NOT SHRIEK LIKE A LITTLE GIRL!" he screamed.

~~ **For this poem I say you DO SHRIEK LIKE A LITTLE GIRL!** ~~

"Can we please *yawn* get this over with?" Goku asked. "I'm sleepy."

 _**"Get thee back into the tempest and the Night's Plutonian shore!_  
Leave no black plume as a token of that lie thy soul hath spoken!  
Leave my loneliness unbroken! -- quit the bust above my door  
Take thy beak from out my heart, and take thy form from off my door!"  
Quoth the Raven,**

Silence.

_**Quoth the Raven!**_

Still silence. Vegeta levitated into the air slightly and poked Goku awake.

"Huh? Oh! NEVERMORE!"

~~ **You didn't have to shout!** ~~

"Gomen nasai," he apologized sheepishly.

 _**And the Raven, never flitting, still is sitting, still is sitting_  
On the pallid bust of Pallas just above his chamber door;  
And his eyes have all the seeming of a demon's that is dreaming,  
And the lamp-light o'er him streaming throws his shadow on the floor;  
And his soul from out that shadow that lies floating on the floor  
Shall be lifted -- nevermore!**

The light in the room brightens and Vegeta suddenly finds himself in a posh room that holds a leather couch, a fridge, and of course a big screen television set. The bathroom is through another door. Goku is standing next to him.

"Is it over?" Vegeta asked as he took a seat on the couch.

~~ **Yep.** ~~

"What is this place?" Goku looks around until his eyes spot the fridge. He rushes over to it and flings the door open with a happy grin.

~~ **I call this place the Fanfiction Writer's Waiting Room. There's no door to the outside so don't bother to look.** ~~

"Why do you call it that?" Vegeta asked. "I'm almost afraid to know."

~~ **You see, you're gonna wait here until the next fanfic. I'm currently trying to decide between The Tempest or Romeo and Juliet. Or should I do Cinderella? How about The Tell-Tale Heart?** ~~

"No more! No more!" Vegeta begged.

"I think it'll be fun Veggie-chan!" Goku said while taking a huge bite of a chicken leg.

~~ **Oh it will be. Just wait and see.** ~~


	2. The Fairy-Tale Trio

**i. Marron and the Three Saiya-jin**

Once upon a very long time, there lived a little girl with shining blonde hair and bright blue eyes. Her parents, Kuririn and Juuhachi-gou, lived with her in the forest. Day in and day out she helped her mother and father with their business (which was swindling people out of their money). Every morning they would take her into the city and use her adorable looks to charm elderly people out of their life's savings.

Eventually, she grew very tired of this and decided to run away. Into the forest she went and, after half-an-hour of travel, Marron came upon a small house. It was so nice (and because she was so used to mooching off other people), the young girl opened the door and went inside.

Being tired from her journey, the chairs in the living room looking very inviting. She tried the first one in the row, a plush navy arm chair, and sank so deeply that her legs left contact with the floor. "This one's too soft." She struggled to rise and eventually had to do a forward somersault to make it out.

The second one, a straight-backed dining chair, caused her rear-end and lower back to hurt almost immediately. "This one's much too hard. How can anyone bear this torture?" Marron rubbed her sore posterior and moved on to the third, and final, chair.

It was luxurious. The leather recliner was so comfortable that she nearly fell asleep. The rumbling of her stomach soon alerted her to other needs.

Marron spotted three groups of food on the dining room table. The smallest pile was also the neatest. Marron, being hungry, went over to it and picked up a pair of chopsticks. However, when she raised the noodles to her mouth she didn't feel any heat from them. To be absolutely certain, the girl placed them inside of her mouth and chewed... only to spit the mouthful out onto the table a few moments later.

"EW! It's cold * _and_ * disgusting!"

The second, medium-sized group looked much more appetizing. Marron tasted a little of a rice dish and began frantically searching for water. She spotted a pitcher of the clear liquid at the other end of the table, ran over to it, and quickly gulped it down as fast as she could. Soon, the burning ceased.

The largest group of all seemed to be endless. Marron's mouth watered at the sight of all the wonderful food. Not really knowing where to start, she randomly picked a spot and began to eat.

After a while she started to become very sleepy. Leaving majority of the food behind, she went in search of a bed.

There were three bedrooms and a bathroom upstairs. The smallest bed, a full-size in the first room on the left, was so soft that she sank deep into the feather mattress. Grabbing onto the nightstand, she pulled herself up and back onto the floor.

The middle bed in the second room on the left was queen-sized and far-too-firm for comfort. Marron tossed and turned, unable to get comfortable.

But the third bed in the first room on the right was absolutely perfect. Not too firm nor too soft. The girl curled beneath the covers and fell asleep almost immediately.

***

Gohan, being the only one of the roommates that knew how to cook, had made a scrumptious feast based on what each of them enjoyed. Goku had basically six servings of thirty different dishes, Vegeta had enough spicy food to give a ningen indigestion, while he had to eat lukewarm bland-tasting things because of the diet he was on.

Unfortunately, when Gohan placed the food onto the table, it was far too hot for consumption. He suggested a short walk to pass the time until it cooled.

"If we'd ordered takeout then I would be full already!" Vegeta grumbled.

Goku took in a deep breath of fresh air and sighed happily. "Just enjoy nature, Vegeta. It's wonderful!"

"Yeah, I'd enjoy it better if my stomach wasn't growling like some wild animal."

All three of the Saiya-jin had been put out by their wives/mates after ChiChi, Bulma, and Videl had gone to a women's empowerment seminar. ChiChi realized that Goku wasn't really contributing to their partnership, Bulma got fed-up with Vegeta's attitude, and Videl just didn't want to be left out.

Ten minutes later Gohan felt that dinner would have cooled enough to eat. The three men headed back to the house and froze when they realized that the front door was opened a crack.

Both Gohan and Vegeta looked at Goku. "Nani?" the large Saiya-jin asked. "I didn't leave it open!"

"Well, * _someone_ * did!" Gohan exclaimed. "I'm going inside to find out what's going on."

The first thing he noticed upon entering the home was the disturbance of his favorite piece of furniture. "Someone's ass print is in my chair!"

"I'm surprise they aren't still stuck in the damn thing," Vegeta commented. Then he noticed that his own chair had been moved a few centimeters over to the right. He quickly corrected the problem and stood back to be absolutely sure that everything was fine. "I can't believe that person moved my chair!"

Goku ran his hands over the slight indentation in the seat. "It's still warm so they must be around somewhere." He looked up at the sound of his son's cry.

"My chopsticks aren't in their correct place! My food has been touched! Look! It's on the table!"

"Someone's been eating * _my_ * food, as well," Vegeta growled. He noticed the liquid that had soaked into the tablecloth and the small clumps of grain. "Apparently they couldn't handle the spices and decided to spit some of it out. What a waste of perfectly good rice."

Goku's eyes watered with tears when he realized that there was a decrease in the size of his small mountain. "S-someone's been eating my food and now it's almost gone!" Vegeta and Gohan both looked at the large Saiya-jin and rolled their eyes. There was still enough food at his end of the table to feed an entire third world country. If it was the size of Rhode Island, of course.

Overcome by anger (which nearly forced him into Super Saiya-jin), Gohan stomped upstairs. "I just * _know_ * my bed's been touched. I'll kill them!" Vegeta went along to watch and Goku to stop the young man from doing something stupid.

"WHERE ARE THEY?!" Gohan shouted and stuck his head out into the hallway. He looked around as if every shadow in the corner and every fiber in the carpet was a suspect. There had been a deep, sort of small body imprint in his mattress. He knew that it hadn't been there before because a) he was larger than the depression and b) he always smoothed out his mattress and covers after showering every single morning. To say that he was neat would be an understatement.

Vegeta firmly shut the door to his bedroom and leaned against it with folded arms. "I can't even stand to look at it," he told Gohan. "Nothing's how it should be."

"You're anal."

"Look who's talking."

Goku's voice called to them from just down the hall. "Come here, guys! I found the intruder!" They quickly went to the room, prepared to give the mysterious person a tongue lashing (or many broken bones). They both froze in the doorway when they saw who was sleepily rubbing her eyes in Goku's bed.

"Marron?!" Gohan exclaimed.

The little girl grinned. "Hi Goku-san, Gohan-san, and Vegeta-san! I didn't know this was your house."

Goku sat down beside her. "It's late and your parents will be worried about you."

She rolled her eyes. "Iie, they won't. Mama and papa only use me to con people. Can I live here with you three? I promise that I won't eat much and I can earn money by pretending to be homeless on a street corner. That's worked really well in the past."

"They use you to do * _what_ *?!"

Marron never did go back home to live with Kuririn and Juuhachi-gou. The couple had been found unfit parents and she was placed into Goku's custody (social services had thought it pretty strange that the three men lived together until they saw the separate bedrooms). Eventually he adopted her and Gohan was quite pleased to have a little sister.

And all lived happily ever after (except for Kuririn and Juuhachi-gou who received five-to-ten after being caught in a lottery scam).

_~Owari~_

"That it?" Vegeta asks as he, once again, finds himself in the Fanfiction Writer's Waiting Room. He takes a seat on the couch, Goku heads off to the fridge, and Gohan and Marron blink in confusion.

**~~Hai, that's it.... for now.~~**

"I'm almost afraid to see what's next," he says. "The only good thing about this room is that it's far, far away from the onna and her screeching."

***chuckling evilly* ~~Not for long.~~**

He stiffens. "WHAT WAS THAT?!"

**~~Oh, nothing... Stay tuned for the next story in the trio: my remake of "The Three Little Pigs".~~**

* * *

**ii. The Three Ancient Hentais and Big Bad Bulma  
** _(guest-starring Happosai from "Ranma 1/2")_

One day, in Satan City (formerly known as Western Capital), three elderly men each decided to start a business. Being that they had a strong appreciation of the female form, they all made plans to create adult stores.

The first ancient hentai was pretty poor and had no money to buy proper building materials. So he traded a few of his dirty magazines to a farmer in exchange for plenty of straw. Kamesennin spent the better part of two weeks constructing a hut in an empty, unclaimed field. When, at last, everything was finally complete, he spent the last of his funds on a newspaper advertisement and sat back to wait for the profits to roll in.

For the first few days he received a steady trickle of customers. Then, on the fourth day, Bulma walked in. She looked over the small adult book store and her lip curled upward in disgust. "I'm going to do all I can to put you out of business, Roshi! What possessed you to put this down the street from an elementary school?!"

He tried to act as if he knew exactly what he was doing when, in fact, he had no idea that there was a school nearby. "If you start them out early there's no telling what they could accomplish."

"You disgusting pervert!" she screamed as she stomped from the store. "You're not getting away with this!"

Early in the morning on the following day, Bulma, dressed entirely in black, tip-toed across the field to the shop. Carefully she poured gasoline around the circular building and tossed down a lit match. "Sayonara, filth."

***

The second ancient hentai saved up money by secretly stealing from the Tendos and the Saotomes. Neither family had much, but over the months the money had accumulated. His book and video store was built out of wood.

The very first customer was none other than Kamesennin.

"Welcome to Happy's Hentai House!" the tiny, partially bald man greeted. "How can I help you today?"

Roshi sniffled a little. "My business is gone because of a fire! Can I join what I have left with what you have? I have the largest magazine collection in the world."

"What level are you?"

He showed him his membership card for the Brotherhood of the Hentai. "I'm a tenth level Master Hentai."

Grinning, Happosai proudly displayed his own card. "Supreme Hentai, fourth level."

"How...?!" he gaped.

"Panty thief for several centuries."

"Ah."

Happosai (the 400-year-old peeping tom, random groper, and women's underwear thief) and Kamesennin Muten Roshi (the world-class pornography collector and voyeur) went into business together. A few days later Bulma arrived at the new H & R Porno Palace.

"You just won't give up, will you?" she asked. "And now you have a partner!"

"Correction: he's * _my_ * partner," Happosai informed her. "We're both in the Brotherhood."

She rolled her eyes. Perverts were always coming up with stupid ideas. "Guess what? You're next door to a church."

"And?" they asked in unison.

"You don't see anything wrong with this picture?!"

Happosai grinned. "I have it all figured out. Let's say a man comes in here and almost buys out my entire Secret Desires video collection on Monday. By Saturday night his conscience is eating away at him. That's why it's convenient to be next to a church. He'll remember seeing it and know of a place where he can confess his sins. I'm providing goods * _and_ * a service."

Roshi was one-hundred percent in agreement with him. "It's just good business."

"Good business," she repeated. Then her face turned red as she tried to contain her rage. "Good business?! You call corrupting people GOOD BUSINESS?!"

"If they weren't already corrupt in the first place, they would have never stepped foot inside."

She had to admit that it sort of made sense and that angered her even more. Turning on her heel, she left the store.

"She'll be back," the two men said in unison. They both grinned and went back to work.

***

The third ancient hentai had been around a long, long time and knew a lot of tricks. Owning a business that catered to adults was difficult thing to do. First you had to find customers in a neighborhood where everyone knew your name (and probably your height, weight, and sex habits). Usually people were so embarrassed that they refused to even cross in front of the store let alone enter. Then there was the problem of the "morally correct" religious fanatics who were always trying to shut you down. Those people had to be handled in a very delicate manner.

"Go away before I invoke the power of Satan and burn you all to a crisp!" When the small group fled down the sidewalk the old man cackled in glee. "That always makes them see the light."

The Kaioshin of the Sword could probably be called the Universe's very first hentai. Although some things had changed in the long millennia he'd been trapped in the Zed Sword, the basic rule of hentailism remained the same.

Thou shalt take the time to pinch, fondle, ogle, whistle at, or drool over any cute female that passes by.

His business was not only a book, video, computer software store, but it was also a small theater. Patrons could either go see the weekly feature or buy a movie and go rent a privacy room. There was also a rumor that it was home to numerous prostitutes, but it could not be confirmed. Kaioshin was doing great and making tons of money.

"Welcome to Porn 'N' Stuff, how may I-" His eyes widened as he turned around and took in the depressed looks of the two men. He was also able to identify them as fellow Brotherhood members. "I welcome you into my humble store and offer you food, drink, and various dancing girls."

Happosai and Roshi exchanged looks and slow smiles spread across their faces. "There is no repayment for your generosity...." the turtle hermit began.

"....but I will never stop searching for a way." Happy finished the official greeting of the Brotherhood. It had been a while since the last time he'd said it and was pleased to discover that he remembered every word. The man before them had to be very old school.

"I am Kaioshin, official president of the Brotherhood of the Hentai." His words were met with astonishment.

Happosai examined him from the top of his bald head to the tips of his pointed ears to the ends of his leather-encased toes. "You're everything I imagined you to be," he said in an awed voice.

"We are not worthy!" Roshi cried as he and his new friend prostrated themselves before their leader. To members of the Brotherhood, the president was like God.

"Of course you're not." Kaioshin nodded to them. "Rise, brothers. How may I help you?"

"Something weird's going on," Roshi told him. "First my hentai shop burned down and then Happy's. We think someone's doing in on purpose."

"Ah. Hai, you may join your possessions with my own, but you will not be my partners. No one partners with me."

They had known he wouldn't have allowed them to be his equals. "That's fine. How much will we be paid?" Happosai asked. He received a look. The small man corrected himself. "Alright. How *little* will we be paid?"

"You will start off at 300 zenni an hour  **(~~about $3~~)**  and we'll see how that works out for you."

Both poor hentais knew that 300 wasn't much, but at least it was a steady source of income. They took the uniforms that Kaioshin handed to them and ran off to get changed.

***

Later that night, after finding out where Roshi and Happosai had gone, Bulma approached the brick and mortar building with dynamite. Porn 'N' Stuff was the most popular hentai hangout in all of Satan City. In a few moments, however, it would be nothing more than a smoldering pile of rubble.

After she'd placed the explosives, and just as she was about to light the fuse, a bright spotlight targeted her. "HOLD IT RIGHT THERE!" She turned, a hand shielding her eyes, and saw five police cars. Several cops were pointing guns at her and the three ancient hentais were looking very smug.

"Hasn't anyone ever told you that crime just doesn't pay?" Happy asked her.

With a roll of his eyes, Kaioshin casually cuffed him on the head. "Leave the witty phrases to me from now on, okay?"

"Hai, Kaioshin-sama."

As Bulma was being led to a waiting patrol car, her wrists handcuffed and her head down, she thought that maybe being a pervert wasn't so bad. After all, the law was protecting them.

"Sayonara, Bulma!" Roshi called as the car pulled away from the curb. "See you in ten-to-twenty!"

_~Owari~_

Bulma, Roshi, and Kaioshin all appear in the Fanfiction Writer's Waiting Room. Happosai was allowed to go back home to Nerima because he was not of their universe. Goku and Vegeta are arm wrestling while Marron and Gohan are playing cards. "Konnichi-wa, everyone," Gohan says with a bored yawn. "Welcome to Hell."

Two of the three newcomers gasp in shock and turn to Kaioshin when he laughed. "Oh, please. When compared to Hell, this place is paradise!"

"Listen to him; he knows what he's talking about," Vegeta says. Then Goku finally pushes his hand to the table and cheers. "Best six out of ten!"

"You're on!"

"What in hell is going on? Why am I here?" Bulma looks around frantically and the featureless white room. Everything is solid white from the paint to the carpet to the furniture to the appliances and to the electronics.

"This is where we wait between fanfics, Bulma-san," Marron informs her.

**~~That's right. Next up on the schedule is Off To Obachan's House~~**

* * *

**iii. Off To Obachan's House**

One crisp Autumn morning, Bra Briefs was sent by her mother to deliver a basket of goodies to an aunt she hadn't heard about before that moment. She thought it was awfully convenient of her mother seeing as she'd just sent Trunks, the new Capsule Corporation President, to Los Angeles for a technology convention and she and her father would have the entire house to themselves. No matter the reason, the ten-year-old was nearly shoved out the front door.

The directions to the small house led her to a forest outside Eastern Capital -- nearly half a day away from Satan City. She wondered just what possessed her mother to allow her little girl to travel such a great distance by herself, but eventually came to the conclusion that lust was affecting her judgment. It tended to do that on more than one occasion.

After waving goodbye to the woman who was kind enough to give her a lift to the edge of the forest after she'd walked to Eastern Capital's eastern city limit, Bra started off down the trail that led deeper into the trees. By her mother's directions, her auntie's house was about a mile away.

Along the path grew bunches of brightly colored wildflowers. Bra, being the nice little girl that she was, decided that it wouldn't hurt to pick a bouquet to give to her unknown aunt. As she kneeled in the soft grass, she failed to notice someone sneaking up behind her.

"Why are you here?" the person asked in a very annoyed tone. "I thought I told that mother of yours to keep her delinquent family away from mine!"

Bra knew immediately who stood behind her. Without looking up, she continued to gather flowers. "Konnichi-wa, ChiChi-san. Lovely day, isn't it?" The perpetually angry woman glared down at her, seething silently. "I wasn't coming near your house. You were the one who came close to me." She rose and brushed off her dress. "I'm leaving now to visit my obachan. Ja ne, ChiChi-san!" Bra waved and skipped off.

ChiChi didn't like being made a fool of and vowed to get revenge on the girl. Having lived in the forest for most of her life, she knew exactly who Bra was talking about. Darting between the trees, she decided to take a little shortcut and give the little girl the scare of her life.

***

Bra reached her auntie's house five minutes later. It was a quaint little log cabin built beside a small babbling brook. Crossing the wooden bridge, she looked around for any sign of the mysterious aunt. Other than the axe embedded in a nearby tree stump there wasn't any.

So, thinking that the woman was just inside, she knocked on the door.

"Who is it?" asked a high-pitched voice that seemed vaguely familiar.

"You probably don't know me, but I'm Bulma Briefs' daughter. She sent me over to visit with you."

"How wonderful! Do come in, m'dear."

She entered the neat home, closing the door behind her. "Where are you, Maru-obachan?"

"In the bedroom, sweetheart. I have a touch of the flu and the doctor prescribed bed rest. You can enter, though, I don't think I'm * _that_ * contagious." They both laughed in response.

Opening the bedroom door a crack, she peeked in at the figure huddled underneath a blanket. It was pulled so high up that only her eyes could be seen. Bra walked over to her bedside and placed the covered basket onto the nightstand. "Konnichi-wa, Maru-obachan. I hope you don't feel too bad." The colorful flowers she'd picked were placed beside the pillow. As she did so, she noticed something very interesting about.

"Maru-obachan, what nice * _black_ * hair you have." In the picture her mother had shown her, Maru's hair had been the same color as her own.

"Uh...." The woman struggled for a response. "I dyed it a few days ago. Isn't it lovely?"

Okay, so it was believable. "Maru-obachan, what large bags you have under your eyes. Have you been getting enough sleep lately?"

The reply was faster this time as she reached up with slender fingers to touch the places mentioned. "This cold has been keeping me up late, but I am on the road to a full recovery."

By this time Bra knew exactly who was lying in her obachan's bed. Smiling brightly, she said, "Maru-obachan, what awful wrinkles you have on your face. How old are you, anyway?"

The woman sat straight up in bed, shocked at the little girl's words. "I don't have any wrinkles!" she shouted. "Where do you see wrinkles?"

"AHA!" Bra pointed. "I knew it!"

"You little brat! How dare you say that about me! I still look as young as I did when I married." She rose, uncaring that the covers had fallen away. Son ChiChi was extremely angry, but what was new? "Here you are, acting sweet and kind, when everyone knows that you aren't any such thing!"

"Oh, really?" Bra asked, not bothering to take the time to protest the woman's words. "Where's my obachan? What did you do to her?"

A previously unnoticed noise then made itself known to her. There was a thumping sound coming from the direction of the bedroom closet as well as what sounded like muffled screaming. Bra pulled open the door to discover a tied up middle-age woman with a gag in her mouth. "You did this to her?! What's wrong with you?" She quickly pulled away the gag and began to pull at the knots. As she did so, she again failed to notice ChiChi coming up from behind. Bra was pulled away and quickly immobilized.

"I'm going to make you sit in the corner and think about how rude you were to me earlier. This is something your own mother should have done a long time ago." She grabbed another length of rope and then proceeded to tie it around her hands and feet.

"Hey! Let me go!" Bra shouted as she squirmed and struggled. Nothing she could do would sway ChiChi from her course of action. Once the woman had something in mind, she hated to give up on it. Forgetting that idea, she started to scream as loud as she could for help. Hopefully someone was nearby in the forest and would come save her from the madwoman.

The front door creaked open and footsteps rang on the wooden floor. Goten stuck his head inside the room with a grin. He held an axe in his hand and wore blue denim overalls. "You rang?"

Bra thought that his sudden appearance was a little strange, but wasn't going to pass up a chance at freedom. "Get her away from me, please!"

"Sure. No problem. Kaasan, it's time to go home now." He pulled her away from the little girl. "Tousan came for a visit and he really wants some of your cooking."

"Goku-sa came home?" She turned dazed eyes to her son. Then she blinked and a new fire entered them. "I can't believe he only came for some of my food! When I get through with him he'll wish he'd stayed away instead!" ChiChi marched from the room, fists clenched tightly at her sides. Goten followed but not before he winked at Bra.

"Hmm, that was definitely interesting," she said aloud as she finished freeing Maru. "I think I'll stay far, far away from her from now on. Who knows what she'll do if she catches me again?"

She and the real Maru spent the rest of the afternoon chatting about this and that until Bra figured it was safe to go home again.

_~Owari~_

The recent characters pop into the room. All except ChiChi, that is. Bra sighs in relief and goes into the nearby kitchen for a snack.

**~~Hey, I'm not cruel enough to bring ChiChi in here with you.~~**

Vegeta looks up at the ceiling and then over at Bulma. "But you * _are_ * cruel enough to do that."

**~~Yep. That's pretty accurate.~~**

"When are you springing us? I'm getting really bored in here." Gohan looks up from his cards. "There are only so many ways to play Poker."

**~~Why don't you play Go Fish, Euchre, or Hearts, then? There are enough card games to keep you occupied for weeks.~~**

"Why don't you let us go?"

*chuckling to self*  **~~I will, but not anytime soon.~~**


End file.
